May 2005

Brad’s Corner is a monthly commentary written by Brad about whatever he feels like. It’s supposed to be funny, interesting and thought provoking, but most geniuses are misunderstood. Check out the May 2005 edition of Brad’s Corner and see what’s on his mind.

Over the past few months there has been a major outcry against professional athletes and their use of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. Personally, I’m all for the hollow-headed jocks juicing themselves up. If Barry Bond’s head gets much bigger, literally and figuratively, his batting helmet is going to have to be a modified 18 wheeler-trailer they just customize to fit over his skull and allow him to look out the doors at the back. If hitting twenty more home runs a year is more important to you than having proper bowel and bladder function, knock yourself out. Sure, you may set some records on the field but in the bedroom and bathroom for the rest of your life you’ll be shooting blanks, fouling out and warming the bench. I think sports would become much more entertaining if all of the players were doped up. All the leagues would be like the WWE except we all know Bud Selig could take Vince McMahon.

All of this controversy got me to thinking, what if we started doing drug testing on all kinds of professions. How great would that be? Musicians: “Let’s see here Mr. LaRue, they must call you Stoney for a reason.” Politicians: “Well Mr. Dole, you’re only supposed to take ONE little blue pill, you damn near poked my eye out.” Truck Drivers: “Sir, you went from New York to Miami via Nebraska in 2 days.”

Baseball players and musicians are closely related. Baseball has a bigger problem with cocaine and amphetamines than they ever have with steroids. Playing baseball from age 5 through high school I came in contact with it at an early age. I was at a baseball camp, probably age 8 or so, and I overheard one of the older kids (probably age 15) say that he popped some amphetamines he copped from his dad so he could turn on a fastball faster. It confused me then and doesn’t make sense to me now. Seems like someone hopped up on speed would be talking and twitching too much to do much damage in the batter’s box. I can see him now, striding up to the batter’s box all bloodshot, dreary and useless and it looking like the old Disney cartoon where Goofy strikes out on 1 pitch by swinging at it 3 times. Except meth dude’s K would be unintentional.

I’m not a liberal or a hippie but I’m for the legalization of at least pot and steroids for athletes. I think this country could stand to smoke a big bowl with Hogleg and Willie and chill out for a few years. Plus, combining pot and juice on the diamond would make for some entertaining and long games. The players could get ‘roid rage, charge the mound, brawl, make up, smoke out together, hit up the concession stands, take a nap, re-start the game and repeat. Teams could make money by selling 3 tickets for one game. All games would have afternoon starts because they’d be playing well into the night. Fastballs would be a thing of the past as MLB slowly started resembling beer league softball. And after all, wouldn’t a juiced up and stoned Barry Bonds be much more pleasant to watch?

Minor chords: -Another Larry Joe Taylor festival has come and gone. To hell with that thing, I’m not going back there for at least a year! There are some hilarious pictures and thoughts in the Parties & Road trips forum, check them out if you get bored.

-So the end of April saw the capture of the Runaway Bride. What a stupid lady. The broad had 8 wedding showers. Mander, it’s a good thing you showed up at your nuptials or I’d be asking for my toaster oven back. It has 3 speeds and doubles as a child’s birthday present.

-Someone recently wrote all over the Straggler’s trailer with a sharpie. I’m pretty sure we can blame the 2nd gunman on the grassy knoll.

-I’m convinced the Big Kenny of Big and Rich has some sort of mental defect and Tourette’s syndrome. That’s the only way to explain him mumbling to himself, looking like he has a bit of downy and singing “ta ta taaaa” every 10 seconds on every damn channel on every damn tv.

-Adrienne Curry’s fascination with Christopher Knight on the Surreal Life got me to thinking which Brady I’d like to score. And yep, you guessed it…Carol.

-Recommended album of the month: Hayes Carll Little Rock. Hayes is the best young singer/songwriter in Texas. He’s often compared to Ray Wylie Hubbard. With a wealth of stage presence and some of the most charming, thought-provoking, deep and fun songs you’ll ever hear.

-Recommended movie of the month: Bull Durham. Sticking with the quasi-baseball theme. Why not recommend the best baseball movie of all time. Props also to Field of Dreams, The Natural and Bad News Bears 4.

-Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most-Mark Twain