Brad’s Corner is a monthly commentary written by Brad about whatever he feels like. It’s supposed to be funny, interesting and thought provoking, but most geniuses are misunderstood. Check out the January 2005 edition of Brad’s Corner and see what’s on his mind.
At some point during the Christmas holiday season- you know the thing that runs from late September well into mid-January? – I realized something; how much I hate going to Wal-Mart. I don’t know when this happened. When my friends and I first turned 16, Wal-Mart was a haven in our small town. A place where we could: pick up the latest Pantera cd (unedited mind you, because Wal Mart didn’t know it was vulgar!), look at rifles in sporting goods, troll for Baylor chicks (because of course they wanted to hook up with some 16 year old redneck rubes), turn all the stereos in automotive up as loud as possible and attempt to blow the speakers, steal snuff and smokes from the display racks before they were smart enough to move them behind a wall and put them in their own lane, make prank pages over their intercom system and have fights with the blow off air dusters in electronics. Basically just your typical dorky teenage fun. Somewhere along the way I lost that feeling of euphoria that I got every time I passed the old man at the door who always stares at me like I’ve stolen something. I think it happened about the time I moved out on my own and had to actually start using Wally World for something more than just a spot for recreation and the sport of escaping arrest. Speaking of Wal-Mart arrests I remember when my friend Tony Brown attempted to shoplift George Strait’s box set by wearing wind pants and a hooded sweatshirt…in August. He got caught and had to smile for a Polaroid and was told not to come back to Wal-Mart for 2 years. It took him about 2 months to get the courage up to return. But, back to the moral of my story: At the point when I was first out on my own and shopping at Wal-Mart for more than a CD is when I realized how crappy it truly is.
It’s always filthy. Seriously, next time you go in there look at the floor. A monkey wouldn’t even go #2 in there because it’s not sanitary enough. How bout all the old people in there? I’m convinced that Wal-Mart has a program where families pay them cash under the table to house, clothe and feed their senior loved ones. And the old fogies don’t know any better. They just wander around the store day and night, stopping just long enough at the pharmacy to take their pills. The old folks are also really good at making sure they get in the way of mine and your shopping carts. They block us out better than Dale Earnhardt in his prime. Also, why are there never any cashiers? You spend an hour looking for a parking spot, getting a basket which actually rolls smoothly and doesn’t have a greasy handlebar – which is a tough combo to find – you pick up all the things you’re there for and then you end up sitting in line for at least another hour. Why are you in the checkout line so long you ask? Well out of the 80 or so registers that Wal-Mart has available they only have 4 open: the express lane, 1 regular lane, 1 for tobacco only & the great new invention of the self checkout. All 4 are backed up all the way to the milk aisle and the waterheads working the lines are trying to put on a nice face for you. However, by now nothing can help your misery as you feel a strong stinging pain envelop your whole body. The next thing that happens, of course, is that the person in front of you is paying with their welfare card and it’s invalid! Lights start flashing and buzzers start going off. Momentarily you snap out of your anger and think you might actually be in Shreveport or Vegas in front of a Sam Walton slot machine. By the time you finally get up to pay for your stuff it’s shift change time. Now, you have to wait for the manager to come over and count out the cash, take it away, bring some more over, count it in and make sure it matches. Then they call up a new person to work the register. At this point you’ve been in the store for 3 hours and you only went for milk and bread. So, your finally ready to head back to your car and that’s right, you guessed it…cue more bells and whistles. The loss prevention sirens start going off because your genius cashier forgot to remove something or scan an item. So one of the old people, who has wandered around so long they actually have a vest and “think” they work for the store, comes over to double check your receipt. They go item by item, delaying your trip further. You cuss your way back to your car and proclaim to never return. Yet, in a few days or weeks you repeat the process all over again.
And why does Wal-Mart advertise? I mean really, they could cut their budget by millions if they gave up advertising. It’s not like they have any real competition. Paraphrasing Rodney Carrington, where else can you go to get your oil changed, pick up some diapers for the baby and grandpa, get a new outfit, pick up your prescription and buy a frozen entrée for supper? They could use all that money they’d save to open up some more checkout lanes and put those old people in actual retirement homes!
Minor Chords: -2005 is a going to be a great year for Texas Music. Randy Rogers and Wade Bowen will be hitting the road hard throughout the lower 48. Pat will be taking our scene to the masses as he tours with Kenny Chesney. We’ll have new projects from the likes of Bleu Edmondson, Ryan Turner, and Jack Ingram.
-Speaking of Ryan Turner, if you’re within a 120 mile radius of Waco, TX on January 8th, please come to his show in Waco with Brandon Wayne Jones and Echo’s Orbit Room. It’s gonna be one for the ages. E-mail or PM me for more info.
-Greenfest IV is set for Saturday February 19, 2005 at River Road Ice House in New Braunfels. Fortunately for me and Amanderg this isn’t on the same weekend as Larry Joe Taylor’s Redneck Woodstock or her wedding!
-During the Christmas ornament exchange, Erica aka Sharp Silver, sent me a sweet Vegas ornament along with a photograph ornament of Lindsay Lohan displaying a nice cleavage shot. Fake or not, they’re nice and it made my Christmas much more excitable that’s for sure. For some reason, I spent a lot more time than usual just staring at my Christmas tree and enjoying the warm and fuzzies that come with the Christmas spirit. Too bad the poor girl’s headed down the same road as Britney. Chain smoking, hanging out with Paris Hilton and Tara Reid too much. Pretty soon she’ll go to a movie premiere, have her boob pop out, hook up with a back up dancer for LFO and make a sex tape before her E True Hollywood Story debuts.
-I’m writing a song for Randy to sing at a Lost Trailer’s benefit concert someday. It’s called “Lost and Found Trailers”.
-Speaking of those 2 bands, I’m looking forward to them rocking the house at the GWE Awards with full band sets. Unfortunately, Dave slipped and left us off the list of entertainers again. I was the reason the awards momentarily got yanked. I couldn’t handle not having the headlining slot. Me and Dickey were ready to burn that mutha down with our heavenly harmony and witty, spiritual songwriting. When we found out we were gonna have to play the parking lot at 11 AM we bailed causing the whole thing to be put in a ruckus.
-It seems the Galleywinter Cookbook has become the source of much scorn and ridicule. Well, I guess now’s as good a time as any to go ahead and spill the beans (no pun intended) on what’s going on with that. You see, our members in charge of that project, are working with Martha Stewart and Martha’s got some legal issues she’s working on right now. It’s holding up the whole process, not to mention Martha has become hardened and tough during her time in prison. She has even scared our dear Meg so much that Meg sleeps in the top bunk at her own house!
-I really like the Los Lonely Boys cover of Johnny Cash’s “I Walk the Line” on that Sony commercial. You know what’d be a good idea for that ad series…have Britney cover the Rolling Stones “Satisfaction”…errr wait…she already did that…my bad.
-Download of the month: Ludacris featuring Lazyeye “Get Back” remix. Ludacris is the most natural rapper fronting a rock band since the boys from RUN DMC. Well them or Vanilla Ice. Too tough to call which one’s better there.
-This month’s recommended CD is: Jack Ingram’s Acoustic Motel. With this record Jack takes you behind the music to the soul of the performer. After the last note of the album’s played you walk away knowing Jack much better than you did before it started.
-This month’s recommended movie/DVD is: The Girl Next Door starring Elisha Cuthbert from 24 and Old School fame. It’s basically a remake of Risky Business but much funnier.
-As always comments are welcome as long as they’re nice and stroke my ego. If you have negative comments or questions please forward those to Threecurl, LoudMouth, Jay_Gatsby or Schlute.
-Of all the things I’ve lost, I miss my mind the most.-Mark Twain